I’m not supposed to be here.
This is a feeling I am too familiar with. I have felt out of place, out of my skin, out of my mind, out of sync, everything has fallen out of alignment at least once in my life.
I was born premature, or at least that is what I was told. After being released from the hospital, I was left on a doorstep of an elderly couple who were to raise me in a loving and nurturing way. As ideal as this was to grow up with two people who laughed and played and loved me, it came to a quick end when the woman, whom I refer to as my grandmother, died.
Her passing was very unreal to me. I went to her funeral thinking it was a party of sorts, but everyone was sad. It looked like a party, there was food and people were dressed nice. Then I was shown my grandmother’s casket and I thought she was sleeping. I thought it was odd that she was sleeping at a party. I was told to tell her goodbye and I didn’t understand why.
I also didn’t understand why I had to move away from my home and into a new one with a woman who didn’t want me there. She was very cruel to me saying nasty things to intentionally hurt my feelings, abusing me in any way that she could, and dismantling the mental assurance that I once had.
I became very isolated and introverted. Not able to tell anyone what was going on because I didn’t know how. I also wasn’t’ allowed to tell anyone because if I did I would be taken away and placed into an orphanage.
Due to years of abuse, I unfortunately began having thoughts of suicide at the age of nine. That is the first time I attempted to take my own life. But it didn’t work and no one knew about it. I was alone then, and somehow I didn’t die. My life continued on but something inside me changed. I felt more in control this time around. I stood up to my guardian one day when she went to hit me and it shocked us both. But after that I was no longer the victim of abuse. Something inside me pulled me to never believe the nasty things I was told and the awful things that were done to me. I found the will power to continue living even though the circumstances were still the same. I found my resiliency and I hope to help others find theirs.
The road after a suicide attempt may be a long one. It will not be easy, and if it is count your blessings. But as a survivor, please know that you have been given a second chance at life. To do whatever it is you are meant to do because only you can do it. You were held on to by the world for a reason and now you get to discover why that is! I know the thoughts that can be clouding your judgement and making you feel worse about yourself but get away from that noise and find a moment of peace. In that moment say thank you for this second chance that you have that is not given to everyone who tries to end their life.
After that fill your mind with affirmations of love and positivity. Write in a journal everyday listing out what you’re good at, why you love yourself, why you are loved. If you find that this is too difficult, listen to self-love affirmations or ask a friend to write to you things that you are good at.
When you are in a good place with yourself, don’t feel ashamed to ask for help. Find yourself a mentor, someone you can trust and depend on to listen to you without passing judgement and only offering advice when you are ready.
Lastly, find a way to give back. My way was through volunteering. I have been volunteering at several different places with varying causes for the last twelve years. My favorite involves anything with nature and animals. When I help animals heal at the animal rehabilitation center I volunteer at, I feel like I am needed and appreciated. And these animals have no idea that I used to think poorly of myself and better yet, they don’t care. Because with them it’s all about the present moment and in that moment they are grateful for my care.
I hope to whoever reads this or watches my video and has gone through a dark time such as the thoughts or actions of suicide, that you find the help you need. I hope that you find a way to love yourself as fiercely as you can.